| Mar 25, 2012 16:12:38 GMT -5 |
Post by ce on Mar 25, 2012 16:12:38 GMT -5
Minor Explanation: this one post was written over the course of four or five days. I had planned to post then as I wrote parts, but then when I couldn’t get my computer to cooperate I just decided to wait until I got back to school and post them all at once. I’ve broken it up into three parts via the line breaks. It also shows you the different days I wrote them. Anyway, enjoy if you want and ignore my rambling; I’m bad for it.
….. so somehow this happened. xD I read the sad little fic about Alice that Blamey wrote, and it inspired me to try and write a few for my characters. I hope you guys like. X3
I think all of the poor little puppets were having off days or something. alicia, scarlet, and hiro were begging to be all sad and I wanted a chance to see if I could get their feelings down like they wanted. They’re just short little drabbles and might seem a bit scattered, but it was fun to delve into their deeper emotions and understand them a little better. Lorcan and luddy aren’t so ready to let me pick their brains yet, sadly, but I might be able to get something out of them at some point. So… yeah! Read and tell me how much you like them; changed your life; they suck huge donkey donuts; something. xD I’m open for criticism and would like to know how to improve, but tell me what you liked too, kay? :D
So Alicia is first because it was her that started all of this. In first person because it’s easier for this and it’s the best way to get emotions out, even if I do kind of sacrifice the setting a little. Oh well. xD made me realize that Alicia is a sad little panda deep down. :’3
It’s really hard to say when I started feeling this way.
There is some sort of block in my head; like my memory is broken up into two parts. On one side I can remember my childhood, when I was young and shy. On the other, it is me like I am now- a cold, cynical bitch. I guess in that block somewhere is the turning point, when I realized no one cared about me, not really. Sure, Matthew and the Provinces may like me, at least a little, but I only think it’s because they have to. Even then, it’s only because we’re all in the same boat: fucking invisible nothings to the rest of the world. Everyone sees through us, like we don’t matter. Sure, Alfred and some of his kind every once in a while, but only because we’re so damned ‘close’.
At least I can take comfort in knowing how, even if I don’t know when.
I was tired of being seen though. Of not existing. I tried a number of ways to be noticed, none of them worked. Eventually something in me got cold and hard and broken. It was in that I got what I wanted. When I got mean, people noticed me, if only a little. Even if no one cared about me still, at least they noticed. Make sure you keep your eye on the fucking bitch midget or you’ll regret it; keep her in mind when she’s in the room to keep yourself from her fucking syrup induced fury. But I don’t…..
Jesus I hate being this way so much.
I drink so much because of it. The alcohol deadens it, if just for a little while. Makes me feel whole again, like people like me and don’t avoid me. I don’t even mind sometimes, waking up after my benders with strange people and smelling like a whore. Acceptance and Recognition has become my drug. It’s bad for me. I’ve already had scares, scares I don’t care to go into, but I just can’t stop. I’m too far gone to change, though. I’ve settled into this, and quite frankly I’m afraid to try. I don’t want to be see though again.
Yup. She wanted to say that! She had a little more to say, but I just couldn’t word it right. Anyway, next it’s scarlet. She’s reflecting on her drug problems and stuff. :3 not really something to ‘:3’ about, but why not? xD
I still crave the drugs. Some nights when I lay in bed and it’s real quiet, that little itch creeps up my arms and tingles in my head. On them nights I don’t get a whole lotta sleep. So usually I stay real still and listen to the bugs chirp outside and Scruffy’s breathing beside me and hope it goes away quick. I concentrate real hard on the sounds and on the shadows on my ceiling, but I have trouble. I’m sure if I hadn’t have got rid of the stuff I would have lapsed by now. I’m so afraid of lapsing.
When I was on the drugs real bad, I wouldn’t any use to anybody. It all started with the hurt place on my back. Digging for the coal in my mountains does hell on my body and I just felt I needed something to dull down the pain. Somehow it jumped from whiskey to pot to the hard stuff over the course of a few years. I can’t remember how I got ahold of the stuff; hell, I can’t remember much of anything at all. All I know is that I didn’t get anything done and I ruined myself.
Sometimes on those nights, when it gets real bad, I can feel the ghost of rubber wrapped tight around my upper arm or the smell of a lighter heating up a spoon. On them nights I’m so glad that my body is made of tougher stuff. The marks don’t show through as heavy and I still have all of my teeth, which is nothing short of a miracle.
I’d rather turn my land over to Virginia and put a bullet through my head than get in that shape again.
Poor girl. I hope she stays off of the drugs. :’3 and next it’s hiro! This could have went one of two ways: he could have been a sadsack about how he thinks luddy is better than him and all that stuff you guys are probably tired of hearing him bitch about, or he could lament on his scars some. I made him choose scars, for the sake of not sounding like a broken record. xD if you want to hear him talk about insecurities, though, tell me and I’ll let him sit down and recite; I just don’t want to bore you guys. :3
It has come up in conversation with a few of my bar buddies that they can’t believe I’m as confident as I am. They say that normally someone as ‘deformed’ (as they so eloquently and wrongfully put it) shouldn’t be so brazen or land as many women as I do. My hair and dress style is too odd, they say, and my actions to funny. Most importantly because of my back, though. None of them have ever met a man who looks so ‘broken’ be able to pull of what I do.
I’m putting it out there now that I’m not ashamed of my scars. The only reason I keep them covered up is because they make other people uncomfortable, not for me. While I do not like the red mottled burn marks or the jagged wounds that healed funny, they do not bother me. However, I do not like how I got them. Be it accident or circumstance, I must still wear them.
The burns are always noticed first. It’s hard not to, really. You would have to be blind not to see the cherry red that colors me. Some of my lovers have told me it feels odd, and admitted they were afraid they would hurt me at first. Like “a warm, thin skinned tomato” is how it’s been described to me. I guess I could see that. I’ve had them so long that I don’t care to run my hand over them anymore, like I used to. I’ve grown into them you could say, since I’ve had them for practically as long as I’ve been a city. Yes, I was a child when I got them. I’m probably lucky I survived it, in truth. There were so many fires back then…. But the one that did this to me raged for over sixty days. It was like being in hell, from what I haven’t blocked out.
It’s after they get over the shock and take a good look that they see the weird places, slightly darker than the rest, that mar me. Jagged and lumpy and tight across the already thin skin back there, I see how someone would think it easier to break than it is. Those are the reminders of battles from long ago, battles I’m not always proud of nor did I always win. One of the bigger ones almost killed me, that’s for damned well sure. When the Allies bombed my city all those years ago, it was leveled. I’m pretty sure that if they hadn’t decided to occupy the wreckage, I would be gone. It was taxing, to put it likely. Not only was I horrifically injured, but also a prisoner of war. I still wake up with aches and pains sometimes, telling me I might not always be as spry as I am now.
It upsets me sometimes to see them, remember, but I will live with it. I have too.
Okay, so, yaaaaay drabbles! : D as I said before, after I pin lorcan and luddy down, I’ll make them relinquish their secrets. >3 and, as I also said before, if you want to hear hiro talk about different feelings, I’d be more than happy to write it for you. xD
I think from these you can tell who I’m the most comfortable writing with and who I’m not. Lorcan and luddy… not at all, since I couldn’t pick out something to write for them; I will rank lorcan a little higher than luddy, though. Scarlet is number three, right in the middle. I need to find people to use her with more so I can expand on her personality some. I have a solid idea, but I want to see how details fall into place. I have a pretty good grasp on Alicia, though I’m still not sure on a few things, like her being vulnerable and sweet and stuff. I’ve pretty well mastered hiro, the whore; I think I know how his mind works better than my own. xD
Enough of my dribble, though. Tell me if you liked any of this and I might dump more character rants like this here from time to time when they demand I write them. Thankies for reading, gaiz. <3
Okay, so here’s more! It’s all because I wrote these today and those yesterday and didn’t feel like editing anything cause I’m lazy. xD After poking at them some, I got something to write for Lorcan and Luddy. Hiro is also an attention seeking whore so I wrote something else for him, too. xD Not what he wanted me to write, but…. Eh. xD Anywho, as you might have noticed, I try and write how they would speak when in first person, but I dumb down their accents a little. It’s to avoid confusion and junk. xD I just thought I would point it out, since if you’ve seen how lorcan talks, you would know he doesn’t rightly pronounce half of the words written. X3
And he’s first! Yup yup yup! Everyone is still in partial- sad mode for some reason. Lorcan’s isn’t as bad, but still. xD he wanted to talk about his relationship with mr. moscow and what it means to him and his insecurities and such, so I let him. :3
As much as I hate it, it’s thanks to that fool Tokyo that I met him. I was never shied in the details of why he wanted to fix us up so bad and maybe I’ll never know, but I guess that whorish man can’t be all bad. I can safely say that while I was wary for a trap of some sort, I was smitten when I saw him. I wasn’t sure he was the type to be into men, but hiro was involved; it had to be something sexual.
I feel so lucky to have him now, but I worry. Some things are small and I shouldn’t worry about them, but others I don’t think I can ever shake. Even in such a short time, I really do love him so much and I would hate to lose him. I’m afraid I can’t make him happy, or that I’ll accidentally hurt him somehow. And he doesn’t need that. I don’t know as much about his past as I should, but I know it must be a sad one. I’ve seen the cuts and bruises, as bad as he tries to hide them. I want to know so bad, to make them stop, but I ain’t going to pressure him, so all I can do is hold him as they heal for now.
I do have more selfish worries. I know I ain’t the most interesting of people, and I’m afraid I’ll bore him and drive him away with my unexciting lifestyle. I don’t know what I would do with myself if I did that. And I have such a hard time expressing myself, too. Sometimes I feel like that I could never get my point across of what he means to me if I died trying, and it makes me even more nervous. He’s like a rare flower to me. Something fragile I want to help grow and protect, and in return it brightens my day when I see it.
Please don’t ever leave me, Felix.
Lorcan is haaaaaaaard to write. He had so much to say at once that it might have gotten confused in some places; not my best work, but at least his feelings are true and got through, somewhat. He’s sweet when he wants to be. <3 Ah~ And now for Luddy. He’s so awkward and confusing; I hope I get him right. He’s mulling over his feelings for miss Brigitte here. X3
Recently it was brought to my attention that the feelings of my capital might not be platonic. Needless to say I was very shocked. One reason was because I had no idea why she would feel like this over me, another because I had managed to be ignorant of it for so long. The thing that baffled me the most was that after it sunk in and I had time to think on it, I had no idea how I felt about her. For years Brigitte has been a valuable asset to helping me get through my days and work, as well as preventing me from putting a bullet through some of the more annoying parts of my life. It takes no thought at all to say that I honestly could not get by without her at this point and that I care very deeply for her.
And yet I cannot place exactly how deep these feelings are. I have no experience with these matters. I do not want to hurt Brigitte in any way; she has been through too much for me and does not deserve it. At the same time I’m not even sure what love is, let alone if I could identify and give such a feeling. It hangs in my head that I might love her, but at the same time I have doubts.
On one hand I could see it working between us. We both have similar tastes and hobbies. I know she is loyal and would not betray me even for her life. She is honest and caring, but doesn’t need to be taken care of or babied. She is organized and gets all of her work done on or before time, and it is always above expectations. She would make an excellent spouse or lover, from what I know of them.
On the other hand, what if I don’t love her? My list of positives were from an analytical standpoint alone; I can’t bring myself to think from an emotion or sexual standpoint without feeling like a pervert somehow. I don’t want to rush into something to find out I cannot carry out what is needed of me. Or worse, hurt her. While I would never do something as foolish as cheating on her, I fear I would end up isolating her somehow and making her lonelier than I’ve been told she is now.
I need help with this.
He needs to hurry up and decide what he feels for Bri already. Dealing with his indecision is almost as bad as dealing with Hiro and his pining over her. Lorcan might have a few small worries, but they need to man up and take a lesson from Dublin before I evict them from my head. 8I anyway, speaking of hiro’s bitching, he wanted to share more feelings and stuff with me. He wanted to talk about Bri like Luddy did…. And then I said “No, talk about something else.” So I made him talk about his whoring ways. This was partially inspired by the video for the song Jar of Hearts that I saw today, so you might see something like that mentioned.
I have a cursed touch. Very few have gotten out of my grip unbothered. It’s like when I reach out, hold them, that I’m sucking out there heart. With each kiss I sap away a little more of their life. I take and take until I leave a drained husk behind. Usually they can bounce back from it, but not always. And even if they do, they’re always changed in some way. I’m not proud of being a leech, sucking out what I want before moving on, but it’s what I am.
I think one of the first to feel my effects was Kyoto. We were married as one Capital for a long time before I succeeded her. She loved me, she really did. I tried so hard to love her back, but I just didn’t have it in me. In my misguided attempts at affection, over time I somehow warped her heart. She grew from being a sweet woman to a twisted maniac. She still loves me, or at least thinks she does. I’m afraid of the thing she’s become. Even more so because it was me who made her that way.
The people I bring home to me on an almost nightly basis feel it. While they may think I just want some cheap thrills, I know that somehow during their stay I worm myself into their brains somewhat. I trick them for a short time into thinking that they care about me, and in that time I pretend to care for them too. I want that feeling of being wanted, needed even. But I just can’t give it back, not ever and really a truly.
I know this because I thought I was in love, for a little while. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as bad as I do about my most recent attack. I believed for a little while that I really loved him, too. Aleksandr might have been odd, and I might not have liked him at first, but he was so sweet to me. Without meaning to I broke through barriers he had long guarded and stole away his heart. I then tossed it aside and broke it, keeping the pieces like I always do, trying to fix them together in some way to fill up the hole in me.
It makes me feel so empty sometimes, the hole. While I might be a pervert and a slut, despite common beliefs I rarely have sex based on lust. I just want to be close, and it’s the only way I know how to get close to people. I want them to fix the little part of me that’s missing, but they never can, and I end up hurting them. I want to feel whole again. The saddest part is that I know where my missing part is.
I gave it away long ago, so I try and take other people’s hearts to replace my own.
Know that there was a loooooooot more at first but I cut out a ton. I don’t want these to be very long, after all. But, hiro, please talk to the other’s so I can write really long stuff with them and then edit stuff out. Please? Anyway, I think at some point I might try and write happier stuff with these guys. I have ideas for happier things rumbling around with scarlet and lorcan that you might see. I think hiro and luddy have a little bit more sad to get out before they can move on to happy, though. Bluh on them for being killjoys. :p also, explanations. My Kyoto is one messed up broad. She’s pretty much insane and has this unnatural fixation with hiro that makes him afraid of her. Aleksandr was Hiro’s boyfriend. Kind of. Okay, so really it was more like Hiro was his captive, but then he got Stockholm Syndrome and loved him until the spell was broken and Hiro got away. He still has residual feelings and still kind of loves him in the weird little way it was. Yup. All of these goings on is soap opera material, folks. xD
Oh look guys I decided to write more gobbledy goop. : D So still no happiness from these fools, and only two this time. It’s Luddy and Hiro, still being all whiney and stuff. It’s all about Bri and all related, so I figured I would just throw it together so I have less to explain. Anyway, last two are inspired by the same event, and then I just decided to go ahead and let Hiro do his bitching already so he’ll stfu in my head. Honestly, with him. So the basic gist you need to know is that Luddy basically called poor Bri out on her feelings, in front of Hiro no less, and she basically admitted how she felt about him and junk. So Hiro’s upset, Luddy feels like an ass, and poor Bri is all embarrassed (and thinking about becoming a nun). To break this up nice, Hiro’s Bitching will be first, then how Luddy’s feeling because of this situation, then Hiro’s reaction. Enough rambling from me.
Recently I’ve felt like I’ve been fighting a losing battle. I think, I think that no matter how hard I try, this will just end with me hurt somehow. I don’t know when this change happened, when the situation became so pessimistic. Maybe it always was, but I had deluded myself into thinking it wasn’t. The few people that know have told me I still have a chance and it gives me hope, but I just can’t see why I should have it anymore.
I’m loud. I’m obnoxious. A pervert with ‘Russian hands and Roman fingers’. I like weird things and eat strange food. My number one hobby is sex. I think I’m more ‘laugh at him funny than ‘laugh with him’. I’m disorganized. Short. Weak. I dress like a freak and look to plain when I don’t. I’m not much to look at, or all that smart. I can’t even really see why anyone would want to associate with me, let alone….. And the competition is everything I’m not. Handsome, intelligent, well built, and lots of other things. It’s just not a fair battle, like I’m the idiot who brought a knife to a gun fight.
I guess that I’ll hold onto that last bit of blind hope, though. I don’t think my friends would lie to me on purpose. There must be something, or they would gently advise me down a different course. I hope, anyway. It’s just becoming so hard to deal with this.
So, hiro’s thoughts before the situation happened. Note that I only wrote them down because they’re relevant to how he feels after the fact. As you can see, maybe (since it’s not the best), is that he’s not all that confident with this. Less so recently. But, eh, enough from him. Here is Luddy’s feeling about what happened.
I am supposed to be the smart one. Never before in my life have I felt more like an idiot. I did exactly what I was told not to do: I asked. I still don’t even know how I feel, but I just had to ask. Logical Ludwig had to have all of the ducks in a row before I could sit down and think about this, and I just screwed up. Why did I have to do it? Why did I have to ‘make sure’? Lulu wouldn’t lie to me, I know that, and yet I had to hear for myself before I would believe. I’ve made an ass of myself, pissed off Lulu, crushed that Tokyo person, and mortified Brigitte. And all for what?
Nothing is what. I was so sure that having that knowledge would put me closer to my answer, but it hasn’t. I still have no idea how I feel about her, if it’s love or just friendship. Now I can’t even concentrate on trying to answer that question without feeling bad. I’ve messed this up so badly, made everything so awkward with my bumbling emotions. Why did I do this to myself, to her? Why did I let this happen?
“And what if you don’t love her?”
Lulu’s simple question that never crossed my mind. What if I don’t love her? Then I’ve done all of this and ruined the relationship I had for nothing. Why did I have to go and do that? Why did I have to be so stupid?
He’s very angry at himself for this; not sure if that came through or not. While he still feels no closer to his answer, he does feel like shit for causing this mess. But, eh, I’m tired right now and don’t feel like explaining much. Sorries. Dx So here’s Hiro’s feelings after this happened.
I guess I always kind of knew deep down. That doesn’t make me hurt any less, though. Such a terrible feeling- I know why they call it heartache now. The pressure and heaviness in my chest weight me down and physically hurt even though I haven’t been touched. It hurt when I thought about the mounting evidence before, but knowing for sure is such a different pain.
On top of this is the confirmation of all my doubts and insecurities rushing through my head. I wasn’t what was wanted. I was never wanted, in that light anyway. I can’t be the perfect candidate, as bad as I want to be. All of my hope just crushed in a split second. At least before I could dream as I held onto that thin sliver, but now I can’t and it makes it so much worse. As much as I tried, I wasn’t good enough.
I don’t know how to react, either. Well, feel bad and weep, I guess, but I’m talking about outside of my home. Only a few people ever knew anyway. So do I just keep going on, acting as if nothing’s changed? I don’t think I have it in me to go around with a false smile, though. Part of me just wants to shut down and give up. It would be so much easier to numb this down and run on auto pilot until I’m ready to deal with this. I don’t know what that would do though. What I would become.
It would be a lie to say I’m not a little angry deep down. I don’t know at what, exactly. My guess is at her him he she they them everyone everything the world. I don’t….. I just……. I have nothing more to say.
I give up.
;-; I suddenly feel like a bad person.
That one kind of spoke for itself. I was half asleep until after I got down the first paragraph, then I sure as hell woke up. My writing still isn’t the best at this hour, but still. I honestly didn’t expect that; wouldn’t have expected that fully awake, I don’t think. Maybe it’s not as bad as it sounds to me, though. Past experience came to mind after I reread it. Not any one in particular, mind you, I just think I put more into it than I intended.
DAMNIT I PROMISE SOME HAPPY STUFF NEXT TIME. I PROMISE I PROMISE I PROMISE.
Already have something planned. Scarlet and Lorcan being all happy. Maybe Alicia if I can coax it out of her. I’m staying away from Luddy and Hiro, though, just because I’m afraid they’ll drag me down some dark, sad hole before I’m ready to write it again. Anyway, till next time. :’3
….. so somehow this happened. xD I read the sad little fic about Alice that Blamey wrote, and it inspired me to try and write a few for my characters. I hope you guys like. X3
I think all of the poor little puppets were having off days or something. alicia, scarlet, and hiro were begging to be all sad and I wanted a chance to see if I could get their feelings down like they wanted. They’re just short little drabbles and might seem a bit scattered, but it was fun to delve into their deeper emotions and understand them a little better. Lorcan and luddy aren’t so ready to let me pick their brains yet, sadly, but I might be able to get something out of them at some point. So… yeah! Read and tell me how much you like them; changed your life; they suck huge donkey donuts; something. xD I’m open for criticism and would like to know how to improve, but tell me what you liked too, kay? :D
So Alicia is first because it was her that started all of this. In first person because it’s easier for this and it’s the best way to get emotions out, even if I do kind of sacrifice the setting a little. Oh well. xD made me realize that Alicia is a sad little panda deep down. :’3
It’s really hard to say when I started feeling this way.
There is some sort of block in my head; like my memory is broken up into two parts. On one side I can remember my childhood, when I was young and shy. On the other, it is me like I am now- a cold, cynical bitch. I guess in that block somewhere is the turning point, when I realized no one cared about me, not really. Sure, Matthew and the Provinces may like me, at least a little, but I only think it’s because they have to. Even then, it’s only because we’re all in the same boat: fucking invisible nothings to the rest of the world. Everyone sees through us, like we don’t matter. Sure, Alfred and some of his kind every once in a while, but only because we’re so damned ‘close’.
At least I can take comfort in knowing how, even if I don’t know when.
I was tired of being seen though. Of not existing. I tried a number of ways to be noticed, none of them worked. Eventually something in me got cold and hard and broken. It was in that I got what I wanted. When I got mean, people noticed me, if only a little. Even if no one cared about me still, at least they noticed. Make sure you keep your eye on the fucking bitch midget or you’ll regret it; keep her in mind when she’s in the room to keep yourself from her fucking syrup induced fury. But I don’t…..
Jesus I hate being this way so much.
I drink so much because of it. The alcohol deadens it, if just for a little while. Makes me feel whole again, like people like me and don’t avoid me. I don’t even mind sometimes, waking up after my benders with strange people and smelling like a whore. Acceptance and Recognition has become my drug. It’s bad for me. I’ve already had scares, scares I don’t care to go into, but I just can’t stop. I’m too far gone to change, though. I’ve settled into this, and quite frankly I’m afraid to try. I don’t want to be see though again.
Yup. She wanted to say that! She had a little more to say, but I just couldn’t word it right. Anyway, next it’s scarlet. She’s reflecting on her drug problems and stuff. :3 not really something to ‘:3’ about, but why not? xD
I still crave the drugs. Some nights when I lay in bed and it’s real quiet, that little itch creeps up my arms and tingles in my head. On them nights I don’t get a whole lotta sleep. So usually I stay real still and listen to the bugs chirp outside and Scruffy’s breathing beside me and hope it goes away quick. I concentrate real hard on the sounds and on the shadows on my ceiling, but I have trouble. I’m sure if I hadn’t have got rid of the stuff I would have lapsed by now. I’m so afraid of lapsing.
When I was on the drugs real bad, I wouldn’t any use to anybody. It all started with the hurt place on my back. Digging for the coal in my mountains does hell on my body and I just felt I needed something to dull down the pain. Somehow it jumped from whiskey to pot to the hard stuff over the course of a few years. I can’t remember how I got ahold of the stuff; hell, I can’t remember much of anything at all. All I know is that I didn’t get anything done and I ruined myself.
Sometimes on those nights, when it gets real bad, I can feel the ghost of rubber wrapped tight around my upper arm or the smell of a lighter heating up a spoon. On them nights I’m so glad that my body is made of tougher stuff. The marks don’t show through as heavy and I still have all of my teeth, which is nothing short of a miracle.
I’d rather turn my land over to Virginia and put a bullet through my head than get in that shape again.
Poor girl. I hope she stays off of the drugs. :’3 and next it’s hiro! This could have went one of two ways: he could have been a sadsack about how he thinks luddy is better than him and all that stuff you guys are probably tired of hearing him bitch about, or he could lament on his scars some. I made him choose scars, for the sake of not sounding like a broken record. xD if you want to hear him talk about insecurities, though, tell me and I’ll let him sit down and recite; I just don’t want to bore you guys. :3
It has come up in conversation with a few of my bar buddies that they can’t believe I’m as confident as I am. They say that normally someone as ‘deformed’ (as they so eloquently and wrongfully put it) shouldn’t be so brazen or land as many women as I do. My hair and dress style is too odd, they say, and my actions to funny. Most importantly because of my back, though. None of them have ever met a man who looks so ‘broken’ be able to pull of what I do.
I’m putting it out there now that I’m not ashamed of my scars. The only reason I keep them covered up is because they make other people uncomfortable, not for me. While I do not like the red mottled burn marks or the jagged wounds that healed funny, they do not bother me. However, I do not like how I got them. Be it accident or circumstance, I must still wear them.
The burns are always noticed first. It’s hard not to, really. You would have to be blind not to see the cherry red that colors me. Some of my lovers have told me it feels odd, and admitted they were afraid they would hurt me at first. Like “a warm, thin skinned tomato” is how it’s been described to me. I guess I could see that. I’ve had them so long that I don’t care to run my hand over them anymore, like I used to. I’ve grown into them you could say, since I’ve had them for practically as long as I’ve been a city. Yes, I was a child when I got them. I’m probably lucky I survived it, in truth. There were so many fires back then…. But the one that did this to me raged for over sixty days. It was like being in hell, from what I haven’t blocked out.
It’s after they get over the shock and take a good look that they see the weird places, slightly darker than the rest, that mar me. Jagged and lumpy and tight across the already thin skin back there, I see how someone would think it easier to break than it is. Those are the reminders of battles from long ago, battles I’m not always proud of nor did I always win. One of the bigger ones almost killed me, that’s for damned well sure. When the Allies bombed my city all those years ago, it was leveled. I’m pretty sure that if they hadn’t decided to occupy the wreckage, I would be gone. It was taxing, to put it likely. Not only was I horrifically injured, but also a prisoner of war. I still wake up with aches and pains sometimes, telling me I might not always be as spry as I am now.
It upsets me sometimes to see them, remember, but I will live with it. I have too.
Okay, so, yaaaaay drabbles! : D as I said before, after I pin lorcan and luddy down, I’ll make them relinquish their secrets. >3 and, as I also said before, if you want to hear hiro talk about different feelings, I’d be more than happy to write it for you. xD
I think from these you can tell who I’m the most comfortable writing with and who I’m not. Lorcan and luddy… not at all, since I couldn’t pick out something to write for them; I will rank lorcan a little higher than luddy, though. Scarlet is number three, right in the middle. I need to find people to use her with more so I can expand on her personality some. I have a solid idea, but I want to see how details fall into place. I have a pretty good grasp on Alicia, though I’m still not sure on a few things, like her being vulnerable and sweet and stuff. I’ve pretty well mastered hiro, the whore; I think I know how his mind works better than my own. xD
Enough of my dribble, though. Tell me if you liked any of this and I might dump more character rants like this here from time to time when they demand I write them. Thankies for reading, gaiz. <3
Okay, so here’s more! It’s all because I wrote these today and those yesterday and didn’t feel like editing anything cause I’m lazy. xD After poking at them some, I got something to write for Lorcan and Luddy. Hiro is also an attention seeking whore so I wrote something else for him, too. xD Not what he wanted me to write, but…. Eh. xD Anywho, as you might have noticed, I try and write how they would speak when in first person, but I dumb down their accents a little. It’s to avoid confusion and junk. xD I just thought I would point it out, since if you’ve seen how lorcan talks, you would know he doesn’t rightly pronounce half of the words written. X3
And he’s first! Yup yup yup! Everyone is still in partial- sad mode for some reason. Lorcan’s isn’t as bad, but still. xD he wanted to talk about his relationship with mr. moscow and what it means to him and his insecurities and such, so I let him. :3
As much as I hate it, it’s thanks to that fool Tokyo that I met him. I was never shied in the details of why he wanted to fix us up so bad and maybe I’ll never know, but I guess that whorish man can’t be all bad. I can safely say that while I was wary for a trap of some sort, I was smitten when I saw him. I wasn’t sure he was the type to be into men, but hiro was involved; it had to be something sexual.
I feel so lucky to have him now, but I worry. Some things are small and I shouldn’t worry about them, but others I don’t think I can ever shake. Even in such a short time, I really do love him so much and I would hate to lose him. I’m afraid I can’t make him happy, or that I’ll accidentally hurt him somehow. And he doesn’t need that. I don’t know as much about his past as I should, but I know it must be a sad one. I’ve seen the cuts and bruises, as bad as he tries to hide them. I want to know so bad, to make them stop, but I ain’t going to pressure him, so all I can do is hold him as they heal for now.
I do have more selfish worries. I know I ain’t the most interesting of people, and I’m afraid I’ll bore him and drive him away with my unexciting lifestyle. I don’t know what I would do with myself if I did that. And I have such a hard time expressing myself, too. Sometimes I feel like that I could never get my point across of what he means to me if I died trying, and it makes me even more nervous. He’s like a rare flower to me. Something fragile I want to help grow and protect, and in return it brightens my day when I see it.
Please don’t ever leave me, Felix.
Lorcan is haaaaaaaard to write. He had so much to say at once that it might have gotten confused in some places; not my best work, but at least his feelings are true and got through, somewhat. He’s sweet when he wants to be. <3 Ah~ And now for Luddy. He’s so awkward and confusing; I hope I get him right. He’s mulling over his feelings for miss Brigitte here. X3
Recently it was brought to my attention that the feelings of my capital might not be platonic. Needless to say I was very shocked. One reason was because I had no idea why she would feel like this over me, another because I had managed to be ignorant of it for so long. The thing that baffled me the most was that after it sunk in and I had time to think on it, I had no idea how I felt about her. For years Brigitte has been a valuable asset to helping me get through my days and work, as well as preventing me from putting a bullet through some of the more annoying parts of my life. It takes no thought at all to say that I honestly could not get by without her at this point and that I care very deeply for her.
And yet I cannot place exactly how deep these feelings are. I have no experience with these matters. I do not want to hurt Brigitte in any way; she has been through too much for me and does not deserve it. At the same time I’m not even sure what love is, let alone if I could identify and give such a feeling. It hangs in my head that I might love her, but at the same time I have doubts.
On one hand I could see it working between us. We both have similar tastes and hobbies. I know she is loyal and would not betray me even for her life. She is honest and caring, but doesn’t need to be taken care of or babied. She is organized and gets all of her work done on or before time, and it is always above expectations. She would make an excellent spouse or lover, from what I know of them.
On the other hand, what if I don’t love her? My list of positives were from an analytical standpoint alone; I can’t bring myself to think from an emotion or sexual standpoint without feeling like a pervert somehow. I don’t want to rush into something to find out I cannot carry out what is needed of me. Or worse, hurt her. While I would never do something as foolish as cheating on her, I fear I would end up isolating her somehow and making her lonelier than I’ve been told she is now.
I need help with this.
He needs to hurry up and decide what he feels for Bri already. Dealing with his indecision is almost as bad as dealing with Hiro and his pining over her. Lorcan might have a few small worries, but they need to man up and take a lesson from Dublin before I evict them from my head. 8I anyway, speaking of hiro’s bitching, he wanted to share more feelings and stuff with me. He wanted to talk about Bri like Luddy did…. And then I said “No, talk about something else.” So I made him talk about his whoring ways. This was partially inspired by the video for the song Jar of Hearts that I saw today, so you might see something like that mentioned.
I have a cursed touch. Very few have gotten out of my grip unbothered. It’s like when I reach out, hold them, that I’m sucking out there heart. With each kiss I sap away a little more of their life. I take and take until I leave a drained husk behind. Usually they can bounce back from it, but not always. And even if they do, they’re always changed in some way. I’m not proud of being a leech, sucking out what I want before moving on, but it’s what I am.
I think one of the first to feel my effects was Kyoto. We were married as one Capital for a long time before I succeeded her. She loved me, she really did. I tried so hard to love her back, but I just didn’t have it in me. In my misguided attempts at affection, over time I somehow warped her heart. She grew from being a sweet woman to a twisted maniac. She still loves me, or at least thinks she does. I’m afraid of the thing she’s become. Even more so because it was me who made her that way.
The people I bring home to me on an almost nightly basis feel it. While they may think I just want some cheap thrills, I know that somehow during their stay I worm myself into their brains somewhat. I trick them for a short time into thinking that they care about me, and in that time I pretend to care for them too. I want that feeling of being wanted, needed even. But I just can’t give it back, not ever and really a truly.
I know this because I thought I was in love, for a little while. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as bad as I do about my most recent attack. I believed for a little while that I really loved him, too. Aleksandr might have been odd, and I might not have liked him at first, but he was so sweet to me. Without meaning to I broke through barriers he had long guarded and stole away his heart. I then tossed it aside and broke it, keeping the pieces like I always do, trying to fix them together in some way to fill up the hole in me.
It makes me feel so empty sometimes, the hole. While I might be a pervert and a slut, despite common beliefs I rarely have sex based on lust. I just want to be close, and it’s the only way I know how to get close to people. I want them to fix the little part of me that’s missing, but they never can, and I end up hurting them. I want to feel whole again. The saddest part is that I know where my missing part is.
I gave it away long ago, so I try and take other people’s hearts to replace my own.
Know that there was a loooooooot more at first but I cut out a ton. I don’t want these to be very long, after all. But, hiro, please talk to the other’s so I can write really long stuff with them and then edit stuff out. Please? Anyway, I think at some point I might try and write happier stuff with these guys. I have ideas for happier things rumbling around with scarlet and lorcan that you might see. I think hiro and luddy have a little bit more sad to get out before they can move on to happy, though. Bluh on them for being killjoys. :p also, explanations. My Kyoto is one messed up broad. She’s pretty much insane and has this unnatural fixation with hiro that makes him afraid of her. Aleksandr was Hiro’s boyfriend. Kind of. Okay, so really it was more like Hiro was his captive, but then he got Stockholm Syndrome and loved him until the spell was broken and Hiro got away. He still has residual feelings and still kind of loves him in the weird little way it was. Yup. All of these goings on is soap opera material, folks. xD
Oh look guys I decided to write more gobbledy goop. : D So still no happiness from these fools, and only two this time. It’s Luddy and Hiro, still being all whiney and stuff. It’s all about Bri and all related, so I figured I would just throw it together so I have less to explain. Anyway, last two are inspired by the same event, and then I just decided to go ahead and let Hiro do his bitching already so he’ll stfu in my head. Honestly, with him. So the basic gist you need to know is that Luddy basically called poor Bri out on her feelings, in front of Hiro no less, and she basically admitted how she felt about him and junk. So Hiro’s upset, Luddy feels like an ass, and poor Bri is all embarrassed (and thinking about becoming a nun). To break this up nice, Hiro’s Bitching will be first, then how Luddy’s feeling because of this situation, then Hiro’s reaction. Enough rambling from me.
Recently I’ve felt like I’ve been fighting a losing battle. I think, I think that no matter how hard I try, this will just end with me hurt somehow. I don’t know when this change happened, when the situation became so pessimistic. Maybe it always was, but I had deluded myself into thinking it wasn’t. The few people that know have told me I still have a chance and it gives me hope, but I just can’t see why I should have it anymore.
I’m loud. I’m obnoxious. A pervert with ‘Russian hands and Roman fingers’. I like weird things and eat strange food. My number one hobby is sex. I think I’m more ‘laugh at him funny than ‘laugh with him’. I’m disorganized. Short. Weak. I dress like a freak and look to plain when I don’t. I’m not much to look at, or all that smart. I can’t even really see why anyone would want to associate with me, let alone….. And the competition is everything I’m not. Handsome, intelligent, well built, and lots of other things. It’s just not a fair battle, like I’m the idiot who brought a knife to a gun fight.
I guess that I’ll hold onto that last bit of blind hope, though. I don’t think my friends would lie to me on purpose. There must be something, or they would gently advise me down a different course. I hope, anyway. It’s just becoming so hard to deal with this.
So, hiro’s thoughts before the situation happened. Note that I only wrote them down because they’re relevant to how he feels after the fact. As you can see, maybe (since it’s not the best), is that he’s not all that confident with this. Less so recently. But, eh, enough from him. Here is Luddy’s feeling about what happened.
I am supposed to be the smart one. Never before in my life have I felt more like an idiot. I did exactly what I was told not to do: I asked. I still don’t even know how I feel, but I just had to ask. Logical Ludwig had to have all of the ducks in a row before I could sit down and think about this, and I just screwed up. Why did I have to do it? Why did I have to ‘make sure’? Lulu wouldn’t lie to me, I know that, and yet I had to hear for myself before I would believe. I’ve made an ass of myself, pissed off Lulu, crushed that Tokyo person, and mortified Brigitte. And all for what?
Nothing is what. I was so sure that having that knowledge would put me closer to my answer, but it hasn’t. I still have no idea how I feel about her, if it’s love or just friendship. Now I can’t even concentrate on trying to answer that question without feeling bad. I’ve messed this up so badly, made everything so awkward with my bumbling emotions. Why did I do this to myself, to her? Why did I let this happen?
“And what if you don’t love her?”
Lulu’s simple question that never crossed my mind. What if I don’t love her? Then I’ve done all of this and ruined the relationship I had for nothing. Why did I have to go and do that? Why did I have to be so stupid?
He’s very angry at himself for this; not sure if that came through or not. While he still feels no closer to his answer, he does feel like shit for causing this mess. But, eh, I’m tired right now and don’t feel like explaining much. Sorries. Dx So here’s Hiro’s feelings after this happened.
I guess I always kind of knew deep down. That doesn’t make me hurt any less, though. Such a terrible feeling- I know why they call it heartache now. The pressure and heaviness in my chest weight me down and physically hurt even though I haven’t been touched. It hurt when I thought about the mounting evidence before, but knowing for sure is such a different pain.
On top of this is the confirmation of all my doubts and insecurities rushing through my head. I wasn’t what was wanted. I was never wanted, in that light anyway. I can’t be the perfect candidate, as bad as I want to be. All of my hope just crushed in a split second. At least before I could dream as I held onto that thin sliver, but now I can’t and it makes it so much worse. As much as I tried, I wasn’t good enough.
I don’t know how to react, either. Well, feel bad and weep, I guess, but I’m talking about outside of my home. Only a few people ever knew anyway. So do I just keep going on, acting as if nothing’s changed? I don’t think I have it in me to go around with a false smile, though. Part of me just wants to shut down and give up. It would be so much easier to numb this down and run on auto pilot until I’m ready to deal with this. I don’t know what that would do though. What I would become.
It would be a lie to say I’m not a little angry deep down. I don’t know at what, exactly. My guess is at her him he she they them everyone everything the world. I don’t….. I just……. I have nothing more to say.
I give up.
;-; I suddenly feel like a bad person.
That one kind of spoke for itself. I was half asleep until after I got down the first paragraph, then I sure as hell woke up. My writing still isn’t the best at this hour, but still. I honestly didn’t expect that; wouldn’t have expected that fully awake, I don’t think. Maybe it’s not as bad as it sounds to me, though. Past experience came to mind after I reread it. Not any one in particular, mind you, I just think I put more into it than I intended.
DAMNIT I PROMISE SOME HAPPY STUFF NEXT TIME. I PROMISE I PROMISE I PROMISE.
Already have something planned. Scarlet and Lorcan being all happy. Maybe Alicia if I can coax it out of her. I’m staying away from Luddy and Hiro, though, just because I’m afraid they’ll drag me down some dark, sad hole before I’m ready to write it again. Anyway, till next time. :’3
